Question

I see you falling, grasping, driving away what you once had.
Where will you go from here?
Down. Up. Or neither. Holding on to something brittle.

Speak. Listen. Understand the words around you.
Stand. Sit. Don't stir. Who are you?
Going, staying, and breaking the glass.

Watch with vacant eyes as it changes.
You change. But always the same.
Can you spare the truth?

Where will you go from here?
Who are you?
Can you spare the truth?

The Cowboy

The moon was beautiful as it illuminated the world around me. I could see a couple other trees shadowed in the moonlight and the gully that fell in front of my. I sat with my back against the tree, gazing at the empty world around me. The horse I had rode, Jay I think his name was, was walking loose a few yards away. I could hear him munching the grass.


I had rode hard and fast for as long as I could before stopping. It had been only sunset when I had sneaked out the back gate, but now the full moon raised high above the plains. No sounds except my horse and the gentle gliding wind could be heard. I sighed. Fully aware of the situation I was caught in.

I had given up, that was for certain. Life had been weighing on me all day, and I had finally caved. I knew I was going to quit, give up, and throw in the towel. I had plans to run away and hide from all society and all pressures. I would find a job where I could just blend into the wallpaper. I didn’t mind being ignored. I wanted quiet and solitude. I didn’t care where.

My chin rested on arms, crossed over my raised knees. I took a deep breath, trying to release the pressure in my chest, but it wouldn’t go away. I don’t know what I had expected when I had finally got out here. I suppose I thought some sudden clarity and peace of mind would just wash over me once I was alone in a quiet place. But here I was, all alone. No sounds. No movements. Just me. And still I didn’t know what I wanted or where to go next. Jay snorted and I blew out the air I had been holding in my chest. I wonder if he could sense how I felt?

At first, I thought the sound was only the blood rushing through my ears, but then it began to be louder. The repetition of the beats was familiar to me and even Jay raised his head to look. Someone was galloping across the barren plains. I could tell by the way the sound began to increase that they were getting closer to me. It barely mattered who it was.

My emotions were torn. On the one hand, I wanted to be alone. I had yearned to be isolated from anyone and this mystery rider was sure to ruin that. On the other hand, my time in solitude had not provided me with any insight, so what inconvenience was another person? I shifted my weight to look around the large trunk of tree and saw the dust fly up behind the lone rider in the moonlight.

“It’s probably Tom.” I said, glancing at Jay, but he paid me no attention. “He would be the first to come looking for me.” I glanced again at the rider approaching. All I could see was the dark shadow moving across the ground. For no reason, my mind started playing tricks on me. Thoughts of a creepy horseman who haunted the night flashed through my mind. I shivered and turned away. “It’s probably Jane.” I tried to reassure myself. “Jane probably comes out here all the time.”

Jay on the other hand could care less who was approaching. Thoughts of fleeing floated through my head again. The urge to see who was closing in on my overwhelmed me and I glanced around the tree again. This time the rider was slowing and I could see his outline a bit more. He wore a cowboy hat, true cowboy to the core, and I could see as his chaps flared around his legs.

I turned away. Not wanting him to see me. I closed my eyes, trying to strain my ears and listen as I heard his horse slow to a walk. It was easy to tell when he dismounted on the far side of the tree from me. The crunching of dirt under his boots and then a soft and steady whistle floated on the air.

I heard Jay shift and I glanced at him. His head had popped up from eating the grass and now stared at the rider on the other side of the tree, out of my view. His ears flicked back and forth and his eyes were alert.

“Hey boy.” The man’s soft voice floated on the wind. Jay walked forward until he was out of view. I didn’t recognize the man’s voice at all. “That’s a good boy.” The man’s words were slow and almost felt strung out. It was a simple way of calming a horse with smooth and slow words, and I could tell this man had a lot of practice.

The sounds of clips and leather could be heard on the other side of the tree. I still remained motionless, hoping maybe the rider would just take the horse and leave. I would walk back, or maybe walk somewhere. It didn’t matter, really.

“You keep an eye on him, will ya Jay?” The man clearly knew the horse, which meant he was probably from the ranch.

The ground crunched as the rider moved closer to the tree. I barely dared to breath and kept my eyes straight ahead. The man came to the tree and stopped at a ninety degree angle from where I sat. He sighed, groaned, then sat down with his back against the tree. Best I could figure, I was looking East and he was look North.

The sound of horses chewing and ripping at the grass was the only thing I could hear. There wasn’t much grass around the tree, so the sound of sand falling to the ground added a rhythmic beat to the process. I still sat quietly.

The cowboy breathed out heavily and readjusted against the tree. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was young with rough features and a clean shaven face. His chaps were worn but his boots shone in the moonlight. I could tell he had worked for a while on the ranch because his arms were swollen with the years of manual labor. His eyes stared straight ahead, reflecting the moon.

I couldn’t stand the silence, so I asked what was bothering me the most. “How did you find me?” My words were soft in the still night.

“If you’re going to steal a horse,” his words were still calm and slow. “Don’t steal the horse of a well-trained tracker.”

I blushed, not even thinking that Jay could have been his horse. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was yours. I just knew he was a good horse and that his owner wasn’t around much.” My embarrassment dripped from my words. I really was a ditz sometimes. “Did you come out here just to see who took your horse?” Thoughts of Tom calling this man and informing him that his horse was stolen, then this lone cowboy angrily searching the plains for the thief burned holes in me.

“Nah.” He said, stretching his legs out. “You just happen to have impeccable timing.”

“I’m sorry.” That was all I could think to say. I wanted him to yell at me. I wanted him to tell me that he was going to press charges. I needed something to happen.

But there was just silence. We sat there for a long while, listening to the horses and staring at nothing. I wondered what he was thinking, and concluded that he was wondering the same thing about me. But he wouldn’t speak. I thought that if I waited him out, he would finally say something, but he just sat there.

Cowboys, I thought, they have all the time in the world.

I fidgeted restlessly, trying to find a way to break the silence. Finally I started simple. “What’s your name?” At least I could find out that much.

“Drew.”

The word was so short. He had no intention of adding any more. I looked at his face, but he ignored me. Now that I saw his face, I did recognize it. Once, when I had first gotten to the ranch, I had seen him in the barn. But I didn’t know anyone there and he didn’t know me, so we never even stood near each other. But that was the only time I had seen him, and it had been for less than a minute.

I turned away, back to the deserted land ahead of me. Jay had wandered back by me and I now saw that he was tied to another horse, Duke. Duke was one of the ranch’s lesson horses. I felt foolish for taking Jay, such a handsome and young stallion, and forcing Drew to ride Duke, a middle aged lazy bum.

“We should get the horses back, I suppose.” My voice felt soft in the night.

“Ready to leave already?” Drew sounded genuinely curious. “But I just got here.”

“Oh.” I said, sitting back down by the tree. I didn’t know he had wanted to stay.

Again he said nothing, and I ran out of things to attempt to say, so I just sat there, awkwardly fidgeting.

It felt like forever as the time passed. My mind began to wander back to the issues I had been so desperately trying to unwind. Again I slumped against the tree and let my eyes glaze over as my mind traveled to distant places.

“So is this what running away from home is like?” Drew said, not moving anything but his lips.

“Um.” My mind whirled back to the present. I had almost forgotten he was there he was so quiet. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not really running away or anything.”

“I see.” Drew turned to look at me from under his hat. “You left your home, am I right?”

“I suppose.” I said, confused.

“And you rode Jay there?” He nodded to the dark horse.

“Yes.”

“Was he running?” Drew’s eyes were serious as they watched me.

“I suppose he was-“

“Than that means you ran away from home, doesn’t it?”

I only nodded in an answer. I was shocked into silence. What was he trying to get at?

“Well, than this must be what it’s like.” Drew turned his head away.

I just sat there, staring dumbfounded at the side of his face. Who was this man?

I didn’t care. I decided that he meant nothing to me now. All he wanted was his horse back and now he had him. I would take Duke and leave Jay for this mysterious guy to ride back. With a final jolt of determination, I shoved myself up from the ground and headed towards the horses. I loosened Duke from Jay and prepared the reins. Drew didn’t move from his slumped position. Once I mounted the horse, I turned Duke towards the way I had come so long ago and headed back. With a final glace over my shoulder, I addressed the still position of the man. “I’m sorry I stole your horse.” I tried to sound as sincere as I felt, but when he made no response, I squeezed my legs and moved Duke into a gallop.

...Something's Just Not Right...

I've been trying to redo my life lately. I've been trying to figure out what I really want, and just failing miserably. I've tried everything to get this all worked out.

A clean room is a clear head: Not for me.

A bike ride will get the blood flowing and things will work out: It still hasn't worked.

Just pray about it: There's just no answer.

It'll all work out: But what do I do to make that happen?

Just relax and think about what you want: I can't tell what I want.

Follow your heart: My heart is leading me down a billion different paths.

These are all things that I've been struggling with. And I just can't figure out what's wrong. I'm not unhappy, not really. But where I am in life compared to what I could be doing just makes things seem....not quite right. I don't think I've really ever felt this way, and I don't really wish it to go away. Because if this feeling just goes away, what does that mean about where I am now? If it goes away, am I truly happy in the place I want to be, or have I just settled for where I'm stuck? I don't want to settle, but something's just not right....

People Watch

He is not subtle in his approach though his body language stresses otherwise. He tries too hard to be casual, but she finds it adorable. Everything about him makes him appear unaffected by her presence. Even his eyes are distant. But he has one giveaway, one sign that he is consumed by her. His legs, though she cannot see them, will not stop moving. They bounce. They shake. He does a sort of dance with them out of her view, but he does not give way to his nerves. And now it is awkward. He has said something and she knows not how to respond. So they sit, awkwardly in silence, both striving for something to say. Will he leave? Should she return to her studies? No. They are both far too engulfed in the other, no matter the uncomfortable situation. But their relationship is doomed to fail. He is far too uncertain, no matter how obvious her hints, and he will never make any advance on their relationship, leaving it to her. But she is no help either. Tradition is dug deep into her roots and she will wait forever for the man to make the rocks begin to slide. So what do they do now? They part with loving smiles and awkward glances, wising for more, but knowing they are stuck in this limbo they cannot escape.

And now our eyes wander across the empty chairs to the other guy. He tries to recover the years of wasted time and unattended studies as his sloppy handwriting fills the pages of the assignment that was due yesterday. But it's not his fault. He didn't mean to forget, things just came up so quickly that he didn't have a chance to keep up. And now, no matter what he does, he cannot remember how the equation once went. Could that have been the day he missed? He didn't mean to skip, but he was so tired. And now how does he solve it? He moves on. That's only one problem. He is sure he will get the next one. But he is yet again faced with the dilemma. Why can't he remember this one either? He turns to his notes but they are useless. He never was very good at taking notes. He sighs in frustration. What does he do now? He puts it away, fully aware of the consequences. "I'll do better next time." He swears. "Next time, it'll be different." But he knows he lies, yet he zips his backpack and leaves without looking back.

To Write

The wonders of a pen are great.
There are many things it can do.
It always takes me to a place,
And gives me life anew.

I spend my time dreaming,
And writing it down in pen.
But it seems what I am dreaming,
Will never leave my head.

I must use the light to my advantage,
But the night has its own draw.
I cannot decide if I love it,
Even when I cannot see at all.

My thoughts, my thoughts,
They are twisting in my head.
And I certainly have a hard time
When I try to go to bed.

I should sleep with my pen in hand,
And my paper next to me.
So no matter what time of day,
I can write all I want to be.

Oh good heavens.
This really is so sweet.
Except when I have to rephrase it,
It isn't just as neat.

The House

The house knows more than the neighbors do,

So they watch it moan and groan.

Only from the sky would it appear to be a nice place.

But anyone who gets closer knows the opposite is true.

It used to hold such beauty, it used to shine with hope.

But the years of loneliness has made it ever so gloomy.

No one is thought to live there, yet she can still be heard.

Her voice is beautiful, but her cries overwhelm.

She does not cry for a lover, like many seem to think.
She cries for the complexity that has become her simple world.

Always in the sun and always in the moon, she is there.

But it is in the fog and rain that the house is full of still air.

It's Been Forever

Gosh. It's been like a century and a half since I've blogged anything. It's pitiful, really. But here I am, ready to express all that I know.

Life is complicated.
This is something I've come to realize over, and over....and over again. I keep thinking that things will work themselves out, and I have complete confident that they will, but between now and the end, things are so complicated.
For instance, there are certain things you try not to get your hopes up over. You try not to look to the future too much, to guess what's going to happen, to assume happiness. This dilemma comes in all shapes and sizes. Guys, careers (ie books!), grades, religion, friends. It's all complicated and they all come with their own hopes and dreams. I love being in charge of my emotions. I like the idea that I know what's coming around the river bend. I love being able to plan my life (or so I say). So the idea that my hopes take me off to a place I know I should never be is completely frustrating to me. I suppose though, if I really had the choice to plan my whole life, I would opt out. I don't like predictability, which I know conflicts with my previous statements, but really, repetition is obnoxious. I dislike routines. So what do I want? Spontaneous planning. Is there even such a thing?

People are complicated.
I keep trying to figure people out. Perhaps that's why I'm a psychology major. But I've come to a conclusion, I cannot, have not, and never will be able to understand people. They pretend they hate you, just because they like you. They pretend to like you, just to use you. They pretend to hate you, and actually do, but you don't know it. They pretend to like you, genuinely, and yet you second guess it. Why are relationships so complex? It's because of distrust and fear of failure. But, again to contradict, no risk, no gain. But why so much heartache??

But it will really be just fine.
I truly believe that. I have this amazing theory-amazing because so far it's worked- that my life will always just work itself out. It might not go the way I thought, or as smoothly as I wished, or even to the right destination, but it always works itself out! That, I'm convinced, is due entirely to a stronger power who likes me, and I appreciate that. I have this really amazing friend and she tries to look on the bright side of things. She tries to be positive. She tries to focus on the good, instead of the bad. Now I must say, she's quite fantastic at it and I should take a lesson from her. What a happy life that would be. Now even she admits it's hard, and not always can anyone be successful in such a tough situation, but man. If everyone was positive, then what a wonderful world it would be. How cliche.

Some Things Never Change

Horses have always been a huge part of my life, but their importance seems to be growing.

For six years now, I've worked for Front Range Equine Rescue. It started out as just a way for me to get my horse fix, but now it has turned into a lifestyle! Working for the rescue, I see so many horrible, saddening, heart-breaking things, but I also experience some of the most powerful and heart warming experiences of my life. I see horses go from starved, skinny, scared horses, to animals that any family would love to adopt into their lives. I don't know how my love of horses started, or where it's going, but I certainly know what it's doing to me now. I work hard every day to help these horses who are unable to help themselves. I teach others how to love them the way they deserve, and I learn what it is I am capable of. The people in the horse world are not like those I've known before. Cowboys and cowgirls are a completely different breed of horse :) It's almost a more sincere, caring, and respectful environment, qualities that the modern world seems to be lacking. I really enjoy all that I do with the rescue, and I so enjoy every horse that I come in contact with. There is not a horse that I've come across that I haven't loved, and I plan to keep it that way!

The End Of Something Good

All dogs may go to heaven,
And some cats might go to hell,
But horses are the friends of champions,
And have a place all to themselves.

Across the rainbow, to a field of green,
Beautiful horses pass, though some unseen.

It's always hard to say goodbye. Whether it's for now, for awhile, or forever, it's never easy to let someone go. I have an especially hard time, it seems, with horses.

Lefty was a beautiful black Tennessee walking horse. He was so loving and caring and absolutely gentle.

But the poor thing was abused.

Due to cruel and uncaring handlers, Lefty was pronounced unable to walk well. His broken bones in his front legs healed incorrectly due to the lack of veterinary attention which damaged his life forever.

Yet he continued to love.

Thursday afternoon was when the decision to put Lefty down was finally made. He could hardly walk and spent most of his time standing around. He limped and hobbled, bearing the pain.

There was no happiness in a life like that, for a horse like Lefty.

When I realized his pitiful, yet humane end, I cried.

I couldn't help it. As I worked, he would watch me. Standing so quietly and gently breathing his calming sweetness.

It was hard to work with tears in my eyes, but he helped with a nuzzle to my shoulder.

Lefty was always so caring.

Friday morning I cried the whole time as I watched him eat his last breakfast. He was the only horse I've ever known who was insulin resistant and unable to eat certain grains and hay.

But he happily rests with a stomach full of foods he wasn't allowed to have.

Poor Lefty could still be alive had he been cared for properly. His selfish and stubborn owners who so relentless abused and neglected him shortened his life with those who really cared for and loved him.

He was a beautiful horse.

I like to think he has joined my own companions, Running Legend and Black Beauty, in their acreage in the sky. Where green grass does not lack its lush. Where grain is as common as the dandelions. That is where they run.

Lefty will run.

Though his owners made him incapable of walking on earth, Lefty will run with clouds.

It does not make it any easier to say goodbye. Lefty was loved and always will be. He could cheer anyone up. He tried to on Friday. He didn't understand, yet he nuzzled me with comfort as I tried to dry my tears from his black coat.

Such a sweet a life. Such a preventable a death.  If only someone would have cared earlier.

Rest well, beautiful Lefty.

Words, Words, Words

Reading makes me giddy. I love being totally caught up in a fictional world. When I'm in the pages of a book, my thoughts are completely consumed, no matter where I am or what I am doing. It's as if the events of those imagined characters are my own experiences. It always lingers in the back of my mind throughout my entire day. Every waking moment, every beat of my heart takes me back to a place I've never been, with friends I've never met. They so fully consume me and demand from me a higher loyalty that is reserved only for those of fictional characters. But, with such devotion comes easy heartbreak. When I read, I have such high standards for the character's choices in life, thus it is easy for them to disappoint. But even through all of their decisions that make me grimace, I kindle hope in my heart for their end. But, no matter how beautiful the journey or how hopeful I am, it is the ending that creates or breaks the beauty of a novel. A good ending is like a sunny day. It warms the heart and gives a lightness to my mind. It opens doors of wonder and loveliness. It encourages and rekindles any dying hope. It gives satisfaction and a sense of wonder like none other. But, just as the good ending of a book can create a world of joy, so can the tragic ending create a feeling of complete and utter misery. The poor ending to a book is like a bite from a poisonous snake. The initial sting is painful and fearful, but long after the ending has subsided, the wound is left to fester. So does the pain of a bad ending endure. It too, consumes all of me. My mood is easily fooled and my words abruptly harsh. My day is long and the pain is cruel. My thoughts are burdened and a bile taste fills my mouth. Why should I react thus? It is merely words on a page. I fear, for my own sake, that the poor ending of a book will be like the horrific ending of my own life. Will I face such an end? Will my story be one to disappoint? I fear it might and thus my reactions are more personal than might first be hinted at. All our lives are stories. How will they end?