Getting Darker

Do you know that saying “My life flashed before my eyes”? Well, mine did. Only, it wasn’t my life. Amidst all the sights, sounds, and emotions, I realized what I had already known; my life was nothing. The life I saw flash before my eyes was poetic and beautiful. Though it was all nondescript, I knew that whoever’s life it was, had a wonderful life. Their life was full of rich emotions and vibrant colors. They had lived to their fullest and did everything in such a poetic manner it was almost unfathomable. It was as their life, so saturated with beauty, flashed before my eyes that I felt confident in my decision.

Then there’s the notion of a white light. I had always been told never to follow the white light. That it led to nothing good. But as I saw it now, right in front of me, I couldn’t think of a reason not to follow it. Though hesitant at first, I came to several conclusions which strengthened my decision.

First, was the feeling I felt. I had this overwhelming sense that there was nothing wrong with the white light, actually, quite the opposite. I felt, no I knew, that there was something better on the other side of that light. It was calling me, beckoning me to follow willingly. It was the oasis in the desert; the dry ground in the ocean; the final platform of happiness. It was where I wanted to be.

It was then that I came to my second conclusion. The life that had flashed before my eyes, the emotions I had experienced, was not someone else’s life at all. The poetic and beautiful life of fullness and content waited on the other side of the white light. All I had to do was follow. There was nothing to hold me back now; no peace of mind in going back.

This led me to my final conclusion, and ultimately, action. I went towards the light. It wasn’t even like I floated in the general direction of the white light. I jumped up and ran towards the light, anxious to experience the world on the other side. There was no hesitation, no wondering. With reckless abandon and full-steam-ahead I lurched at the opportunity to seize this chance. Flinging myself into the vastness of the light and allowing it to engulf me, I anxiously anticipated the following moments.

But it was not what I expected. Instead, it was quite horrifying. All of my hope and ambition drained from my soul as I felt the weight of empty dreams. There was no other life, no poetic existence. Never had I felt so alone, so abandoned, as I did after I had followed the light. No wonder people told you not to follow it. It led to nowhere, nothing, zilch, nada. Not a thing moved or crept in the eternal darkness. I felt damned, stricken to my soul with sorrow. What had I done?

To my ever increasing horror, I had not experienced the worst. As the reality of my decision sunk in, I realized something tremendous. My life had been what I had seen after all. I saw now with new clarity what my life had been. I had experienced beauty and lived in vibrant colors. It had been my life wrapped around a poetic thread. In the end, what I had been chasing was what I had given up. That was poetic in the fullest sense. That I had left something in order to gain the same thing tore through me like fire through a dried forest. Dear God, what had I done?

Instantly and incomprehensively I regretted my decision which had started the cascade of ending hopes. I regretted the life I had taken advantage of, the emotions I had so naïvely ignored. Why hadn’t I stopped myself? I had so much more to offer, so many more paths to take. But instead, I had wallowed in my self-pity and in the end, created a worse outcome. I had left a life of color only to all-too-willingly throw myself into this pit of darkness.

And what was worse, it was getting darker.