Saturday, July 13, 2013

Getting Darker


Do you know that saying “My life flashed before my eyes”? Well, mine did. Only, it wasn’t my life. Amidst all the sights, sounds, and emotions, I realized what I had already known; my life was nothing. The life I saw flash before my eyes was poetic and beautiful. Though it was all nondescript, I knew that whoever’s life it was, had a wonderful life. Their life was full of rich emotions and vibrant colors. They had lived to their fullest and did everything in such a poetic manner it was almost unfathomable. It was as their life, so saturated with beauty, flashed before my eyes that I felt confident in my decision.

Then there’s the notion of a white light. I had always been told never to follow the white light. That it led to nothing good. But as I saw it now, right in front of me, I couldn’t think of a reason not to follow it. Though hesitant at first, I came to several conclusions which strengthened my decision.

First, was the feeling I felt. I had this overwhelming sense that there was nothing wrong with the white light, actually, quite the opposite. I felt, no I knew, that there was something better on the other side of that light. It was calling me, beckoning me to follow willingly. It was the oasis in the desert; the dry ground in the ocean; the final platform of happiness. It was where I wanted to be.

It was then that I came to my second conclusion. The life that had flashed before my eyes, the emotions I had experienced, was not someone else’s life at all. The poetic and beautiful life of fullness and content waited on the other side of the white light. All I had to do was follow. There was nothing to hold me back now; no peace of mind in going back.

This led me to my final conclusion, and ultimately, action. I went towards the light. It wasn’t even like I floated in the general direction of the white light. I jumped up and ran towards the light, anxious to experience the world on the other side. There was no hesitation, no wondering. With reckless abandon and full-steam-ahead I lurched at the opportunity to seize this chance. Flinging myself into the vastness of the light and allowing it to engulf me, I anxiously anticipated the following moments.

But it was not what I expected. Instead, it was quite horrifying. All of my hope and ambition drained from my soul as I felt the weight of empty dreams. There was no other life, no poetic existence. Never had I felt so alone, so abandoned, as I did after I had followed the light. No wonder people told you not to follow it. It led to nowhere, nothing, zilch, nada. Not a thing moved or crept in the eternal darkness. I felt damned, stricken to my soul with sorrow. What had I done?

To my ever increasing horror, I had not experienced the worst. As the reality of my decision sunk in, I realized something tremendous. My life had been what I had seen after all. I saw now with new clarity what my life had been. I had experienced beauty and lived in vibrant colors. It had been my life wrapped around a poetic thread. In the end, what I had been chasing was what I had given up. That was poetic in the fullest sense. That I had left something in order to gain the same thing tore through me like fire through a dried forest. Dear God, what had I done?

Instantly and incomprehensively I regretted my decision which had started the cascade of ending hopes. I regretted the life I had taken advantage of, the emotions I had so naïvely ignored. Why hadn’t I stopped myself? I had so much more to offer, so many more paths to take. But instead, I had wallowed in my self-pity and in the end, created a worse outcome. I had left a life of color only to all-too-willingly throw myself into this pit of darkness.

And what was worse, it was getting darker.




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