Expressions come in all shapes and forms. To embrace them is to love them. To share them is to trust them. To create them is just pure fun.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
To Write
The wonders of a pen are great.
There are many things it can do.
It always takes me to a place,
And gives me life anew.
I spend my time dreaming,
And writing it down in pen.
But it seems what I am dreaming,
Will never leave my head.
I must use the light to my advantage,
But the night has its own draw.
I cannot decide if I love it,
Even when I cannot see at all.
My thoughts, my thoughts,
They are twisting in my head.
And I certainly have a hard time
When I try to go to bed.
I should sleep with my pen in hand,
And my paper next to me.
So no matter what time of day,
I can write all I want to be.
Oh good heavens.
This really is so sweet.
Except when I have to rephrase it,
It isn't just as neat.
The House
The house knows more than the neighbors do,
So they watch it moan and groan.
Only from the sky would it appear to be a nice place.
But anyone who gets closer knows the opposite is true.
It used to hold such beauty, it used to shine with hope.
But the years of loneliness has made it ever so gloomy.
No one is thought to live there, yet she can still be heard.
Her voice is beautiful, but her cries overwhelm.She does not cry for a lover, like many seem to think.
She cries for the complexity that has become her simple world.
Always in the sun and always in the moon, she is there.
But it is in the fog and rain that the house is full of still air.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It's Been Forever
Gosh. It's been like a century and a half since I've blogged anything. It's pitiful, really. But here I am, ready to express all that I know.
Life is complicated.
This is something I've come to realize over, and over....and over again. I keep thinking that things will work themselves out, and I have complete confident that they will, but between now and the end, things are so complicated.
For instance, there are certain things you try not to get your hopes up over. You try not to look to the future too much, to guess what's going to happen, to assume happiness. This dilemma comes in all shapes and sizes. Guys, careers (ie books!), grades, religion, friends. It's all complicated and they all come with their own hopes and dreams. I love being in charge of my emotions. I like the idea that I know what's coming around the river bend. I love being able to plan my life (or so I say). So the idea that my hopes take me off to a place I know I should never be is completely frustrating to me. I suppose though, if I really had the choice to plan my whole life, I would opt out. I don't like predictability, which I know conflicts with my previous statements, but really, repetition is obnoxious. I dislike routines. So what do I want? Spontaneous planning. Is there even such a thing?
People are complicated.
I keep trying to figure people out. Perhaps that's why I'm a psychology major. But I've come to a conclusion, I cannot, have not, and never will be able to understand people. They pretend they hate you, just because they like you. They pretend to like you, just to use you. They pretend to hate you, and actually do, but you don't know it. They pretend to like you, genuinely, and yet you second guess it. Why are relationships so complex? It's because of distrust and fear of failure. But, again to contradict, no risk, no gain. But why so much heartache??
But it will really be just fine.
I truly believe that. I have this amazing theory-amazing because so far it's worked- that my life will always just work itself out. It might not go the way I thought, or as smoothly as I wished, or even to the right destination, but it always works itself out! That, I'm convinced, is due entirely to a stronger power who likes me, and I appreciate that. I have this really amazing friend and she tries to look on the bright side of things. She tries to be positive. She tries to focus on the good, instead of the bad. Now I must say, she's quite fantastic at it and I should take a lesson from her. What a happy life that would be. Now even she admits it's hard, and not always can anyone be successful in such a tough situation, but man. If everyone was positive, then what a wonderful world it would be. How cliche.
Life is complicated.
This is something I've come to realize over, and over....and over again. I keep thinking that things will work themselves out, and I have complete confident that they will, but between now and the end, things are so complicated.
For instance, there are certain things you try not to get your hopes up over. You try not to look to the future too much, to guess what's going to happen, to assume happiness. This dilemma comes in all shapes and sizes. Guys, careers (ie books!), grades, religion, friends. It's all complicated and they all come with their own hopes and dreams. I love being in charge of my emotions. I like the idea that I know what's coming around the river bend. I love being able to plan my life (or so I say). So the idea that my hopes take me off to a place I know I should never be is completely frustrating to me. I suppose though, if I really had the choice to plan my whole life, I would opt out. I don't like predictability, which I know conflicts with my previous statements, but really, repetition is obnoxious. I dislike routines. So what do I want? Spontaneous planning. Is there even such a thing?
People are complicated.
I keep trying to figure people out. Perhaps that's why I'm a psychology major. But I've come to a conclusion, I cannot, have not, and never will be able to understand people. They pretend they hate you, just because they like you. They pretend to like you, just to use you. They pretend to hate you, and actually do, but you don't know it. They pretend to like you, genuinely, and yet you second guess it. Why are relationships so complex? It's because of distrust and fear of failure. But, again to contradict, no risk, no gain. But why so much heartache??
But it will really be just fine.
I truly believe that. I have this amazing theory-amazing because so far it's worked- that my life will always just work itself out. It might not go the way I thought, or as smoothly as I wished, or even to the right destination, but it always works itself out! That, I'm convinced, is due entirely to a stronger power who likes me, and I appreciate that. I have this really amazing friend and she tries to look on the bright side of things. She tries to be positive. She tries to focus on the good, instead of the bad. Now I must say, she's quite fantastic at it and I should take a lesson from her. What a happy life that would be. Now even she admits it's hard, and not always can anyone be successful in such a tough situation, but man. If everyone was positive, then what a wonderful world it would be. How cliche.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Some Things Never Change
Horses have always been a huge part of my life, but their importance seems to be growing.
For six years now, I've worked for Front Range Equine Rescue. It started out as just a way for me to get my horse fix, but now it has turned into a lifestyle! Working for the rescue, I see so many horrible, saddening, heart-breaking things, but I also experience some of the most powerful and heart warming experiences of my life. I see horses go from starved, skinny, scared horses, to animals that any family would love to adopt into their lives. I don't know how my love of horses started, or where it's going, but I certainly know what it's doing to me now. I work hard every day to help these horses who are unable to help themselves. I teach others how to love them the way they deserve, and I learn what it is I am capable of. The people in the horse world are not like those I've known before. Cowboys and cowgirls are a completely different breed of horse :) It's almost a more sincere, caring, and respectful environment, qualities that the modern world seems to be lacking. I really enjoy all that I do with the rescue, and I so enjoy every horse that I come in contact with. There is not a horse that I've come across that I haven't loved, and I plan to keep it that way!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The End Of Something Good
All dogs may go to heaven,
And some cats might go to hell,
But horses are the friends of champions,
And have a place all to themselves.
Across the rainbow, to a field of green,
Beautiful horses pass, though some unseen.
It's always hard to say goodbye. Whether it's for now, for awhile, or forever, it's never easy to let someone go. I have an especially hard time, it seems, with horses.
Lefty was a beautiful black Tennessee walking horse. He was so loving and caring and absolutely gentle.
But the poor thing was abused.
Due to cruel and uncaring handlers, Lefty was pronounced unable to walk well. His broken bones in his front legs healed incorrectly due to the lack of veterinary attention which damaged his life forever.
Yet he continued to love.
Thursday afternoon was when the decision to put Lefty down was finally made. He could hardly walk and spent most of his time standing around. He limped and hobbled, bearing the pain.
There was no happiness in a life like that, for a horse like Lefty.
When I realized his pitiful, yet humane end, I cried.
I couldn't help it. As I worked, he would watch me. Standing so quietly and gently breathing his calming sweetness.
It was hard to work with tears in my eyes, but he helped with a nuzzle to my shoulder.
Lefty was always so caring.
Friday morning I cried the whole time as I watched him eat his last breakfast. He was the only horse I've ever known who was insulin resistant and unable to eat certain grains and hay.
But he happily rests with a stomach full of foods he wasn't allowed to have.
Poor Lefty could still be alive had he been cared for properly. His selfish and stubborn owners who so relentless abused and neglected him shortened his life with those who really cared for and loved him.
He was a beautiful horse.
I like to think he has joined my own companions, Running Legend and Black Beauty, in their acreage in the sky. Where green grass does not lack its lush. Where grain is as common as the dandelions. That is where they run.
Lefty will run.
Though his owners made him incapable of walking on earth, Lefty will run with clouds.
It does not make it any easier to say goodbye. Lefty was loved and always will be. He could cheer anyone up. He tried to on Friday. He didn't understand, yet he nuzzled me with comfort as I tried to dry my tears from his black coat.
Such a sweet a life. Such a preventable a death. If only someone would have cared earlier.
Rest well, beautiful Lefty.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Words, Words, Words
Reading makes me giddy. I love being totally caught up in a fictional world. When I'm in the pages of a book, my thoughts are completely consumed, no matter where I am or what I am doing. It's as if the events of those imagined characters are my own experiences. It always lingers in the back of my mind throughout my entire day. Every waking moment, every beat of my heart takes me back to a place I've never been, with friends I've never met. They so fully consume me and demand from me a higher loyalty that is reserved only for those of fictional characters. But, with such devotion comes easy heartbreak. When I read, I have such high standards for the character's choices in life, thus it is easy for them to disappoint. But even through all of their decisions that make me grimace, I kindle hope in my heart for their end. But, no matter how beautiful the journey or how hopeful I am, it is the ending that creates or breaks the beauty of a novel. A good ending is like a sunny day. It warms the heart and gives a lightness to my mind. It opens doors of wonder and loveliness. It encourages and rekindles any dying hope. It gives satisfaction and a sense of wonder like none other. But, just as the good ending of a book can create a world of joy, so can the tragic ending create a feeling of complete and utter misery. The poor ending to a book is like a bite from a poisonous snake. The initial sting is painful and fearful, but long after the ending has subsided, the wound is left to fester. So does the pain of a bad ending endure. It too, consumes all of me. My mood is easily fooled and my words abruptly harsh. My day is long and the pain is cruel. My thoughts are burdened and a bile taste fills my mouth. Why should I react thus? It is merely words on a page. I fear, for my own sake, that the poor ending of a book will be like the horrific ending of my own life. Will I face such an end? Will my story be one to disappoint? I fear it might and thus my reactions are more personal than might first be hinted at. All our lives are stories. How will they end?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Immense Imagination
Can you visualize a rose? Not just recognize that you know what one is but really see the rose before you? Can you smell it? So many people lack the imagination to visualize such a beautiful creation. For me, I do not struggle with this aspect. Sadly, sometimes my imagination is overbearing and distracting. For example, this exact moment is a point where my imagination has gotten the better of me, rather than the class I am sitting in. If you are one of the many who struggles with mental creativity, allow me to try and share mine with you. I would tell you to close your eyes, but that wouldn't do either of us any good. So, instead, just relax and read my words with an open mind.
Roses are beautiful. They are soft, yet defensive. Simple, yet profound. And their meaning goes far beyond a simple gesture. The dark red color of the rose engulfs many shades of red in its petals. The light is shimmering on the petals and lines the edges of the rose. The stem is long and straight with a full green color embedded in every point. The small dragon scales that thrust out from the central line are remarkable. The tips take the shape of razors and darken with extension. But as the tops are hard, so are the petals soft. Their sheen almost depicts moisture and they bloom loosely to encompass a vast space. As the rose sparkles in your eye, so does the smell tingle in your nose. The fragrance is overwhelming, yet so tentative that it seems it might disappear any moment. As you breathe in deeply, the luxurious smell releases the relaxed feeling the spreads through your body. The fragrance moves into your body and runs in your veins allowing you to be calm. The wonderful smell is so radiant that you can almost taste it on your tongue. Its hard to believe that such a powerful sweetness comes from such a small source...
Did you get it? Did you picture the rose? Did my lending of my imagination help you? If so, I hope you enjoyed the experience. If not, perhaps you should try harder, for the imagination is both a wonderful and scary thing. Easily overpowering, but simply beautiful.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A Taste Of Something Long Awaited
This is a chapter from my book that I'm working on. It's called Not As He Seems. All material is copyrighted! No stealing! :)
“Wednesday. Half way there.” Vicki mumbled when she finally figured out what day it was. The next problem was figuring out what that loud, obnoxious noise was. She realized it was her alarm and she quickly turned it off. This was the worst part of taking sleeping pills; they made you all groggy the next day. But at least she wasn’t tired, or freaked out about some man chasing her.
Vicki got ready for school like she always did. Perhaps today would be the day things would get better.
“The funeral is going to be Friday night at 6:00pm.” Mom announced as Vicki entered the kitchen. Vicki’s hope of a better day vanished with that sentence. “Is that okay with you?”
“It has to be.” Vicki mumbled under her breath. How would she ever survive?
“Sweetie, we are all doing our best here.” Mom kissed her on the forehead. “Want some eggs?”
“I think I’ll just have a granola bar.” Vicki grabbed the small bar from the pantry. “Let’s go, Jackie.” Vicki called and headed for the car.
Jackie was close behind, a trait that was very likable in her. The two headed to school. Vicki ate her granola bar with one hand and drove with the other. The parking lot at school was filling up with student’s cars. Vicki found the closest parking place and headed inside. Her head still felt cloudy from the sleep pills.
“Feeling better?” Luke’s locker was next to Vicki’s so it was only logical that they met up.
“Yeah. A Bit. Although, I really hate taking sleeping pills.”
“Yeah. Those put you in a weird state.” Luke closed his locker. “Having trouble sleeping?”
“I’ve been having this really weird dream. It just bothers me.”
“Disturbing dreams are common after a traumatic experience like a death.” Luke was going to by a psychologist. Leave it to him to conduct therapy with anyone, right in the middle of the hallway.
“And how would one get rid of these unwanted dreams?” Vicki was more humoring him then actually being interested.
“Address the problem. Work for a solution. And resolve the conflict.” It sounded so simple. The bell for first period ended their therapy session.
“Thanks, Luke. I’ll work on that.” She smiled and headed for class. Luke headed the other direction.
Psychology wasn’t as therapeutic as what Vicki would have hoped it would be; Luke did a much better job in the middle of a crowded hallway. The class was more lecture-peutic. They were still discussing the brain, though they had moved on from the lobes to the nerve paths. It was deathly fascinating. Vicki could feel the headache coming on. It was like an expected friend whom no one liked. It just wouldn’t go away. Finally the bell rang. Perhaps today was a good day to slam her head in her locker. Vicki smiled at the ludicrousness of the idea. Still…..
“Vicki!” Allie met Vicki at her locker. She quickly wrapped her arms around Vicki. “Hi.” She smiled. Not the sort of happy smile, but the ‘I will try and make it better’ smile. This, in turn, made Vicki smile.
“I brought you a Teddy Bear.” Allie handed Vicki the soft white bear. “You can name him, if you want.”
“Thanks, Allie. That’s really sweet.” Vicki took the bear. He was soft.
“Well, I gotta go. But I hope you like him. You can tell him anything. He’ll keep your secrets.” Allie smiled and headed for class. Vicki grabbed her Business book and headed off, leaving teddy in her locker. She was beginning to think a little clearer, but not much. She had run into several other students and a wall already this morning. Perhaps sleeping pills were not a good idea at all.
Business was its usual boring self. Vicki learned absolutely nothing in that class. Well, that’s not completely true. She did learn that she could in fact fold a piece of paper eight times before it became close to impossible to fold it another time. She had also learned that the hang over from the pills, made her hand eye coordination impossible. She had knocked over a waste basket on the way out of class.
“Kill me now.” Vicki complained when she saw Jen. Jen was sweet, but she didn’t do well with other’s pain, so she just stood and nodded. At the moment, that was all Vicki needed. She threw her business book in her locker and headed for calculus. They had a test today and Vicki was sure she was going to fail. Miserably.
She dragged her feet all the way to class, pausing only slightly at the door to take a deep breath. She walked through the door with every intention of letting the breath out in a long sigh, but the air caught in her chest.
Tyler was back. He sat at his desk with his back turned to the door. Vicki couldn’t see his face, but it was definitely him. Only when her lungs started protesting did she finally let her air out and suck in a deep breath.
This was dumb. What else had she expected? Of course Tyler was here. This was his school. His class room. And his chair. Of course he was here. Vicki looked at the ground and headed for her chair three rows behind his. She bumped into the desk at the front of the row, several students turned to stare. Never again would she take those pills, she swore, as she smiled shyly at the students. The pills were giving her too many bruises. She walked down the aisle, carefully avoided anything that might fall over or cause her injury. She was so focused that the warm hand on her arm made her jump. She looked up with wide eyes at Tyler. His smile faded and he instantly released her arm.
“Sorry.” He was concerned; it was obvious in his face and voice. “I didn’t mean to scare ya. You okay?”
“Uh. Yeah. Don’t worry about. I’m just having an off day.” She walked towards her seat. She needed to sit down before she destroyed something.
“You need anything?” He was following her down the aisle.
“Nope. Just a chair.” She sat in her desk chair, dropping her books on the wood desk.
“Okay.” Tyler crouched next to her desk, staring at her. She avoided all eye contact.
“You look…pale.” He said, “Are you feeling okay?”
“Peachy.” She tried to reassure him as she fumbled with her books.
“Peachy?”
“Yup. Peachy.”
“Peachy. Okay.” He didn’t buy it. “You gunna tell me the truth?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Um. Don’t want to?” She was wavering, and he persisted.
“Sure ya do. Tell me what’s up.” He looked at her with his beautiful eyes. Vicki had to focus to get her train of thought back.
“Don’t you remember last week at all?”
“Yeah, but it’s not that.” He was analyzing her now. She sighed. He wouldn’t leave her alone until she told him something.
“So, perhaps I may have taken a couple sleeping pills and perhaps they may have affected the way I am able to concentrate now. And perhaps my coordination. And thinking ability.” She trailed off, considering all the side effects of the pills.
“Sleeping pills?” He sounded a bit relieved.
“Sleeping pills.” She reassured him.
“Well, then. Peachy.” He teased as he got up and walked back to his desk. Vicki sighed. That was…well, new. He sat down at his desk, than turned slightly to glance at her. She smiled. He just shook his head and turned to face the front. Vicki mumbled to herself. Peachy? What kind of an idiot says peachy? Oh well. It could have been worse.
“Class. Clear your desk. All you need is a pencil and a calculator.” Mr. Bernen announced from the front of the class.
Test time.
Vicki did as the teacher instructed, sending one last prayer towards heaven that she would pass. Mr. Bernen handed out the test and the moment the test sat in front of Vicki, she knew the outcome. She groaned.
“I should have studied.” She said just loud enough so the boy sitting next to her could hear. He snickered.
“Me too.” He whispered.
Death by paper. There was such a thing. And it was called a test.
Vicki gave it her best shot. She was usually pretty good at calculus, but today was just not her day. Or was it? Tyler had showed up. That was good at least. She thought about Tyler as she took the test, never once thinking about Jake’s threat.
She finished the test with ten minutes left in the period. She walked to the front and handed it to the teacher. Then she turned and headed back to her desk. She glanced at Tyler and caught his eyes. He smiled. He was already done with his test. Stupid smart people.
The bell rang and the class emptied. Vicki walked out with the herd. Before she knew it, Tyler was at her side.
“How do you think you did?” He looked confident. Too confident.
“I think I failed.” Vicki kicked a wadded piece of paper.
“I’m sure you didn’t do that bad.” He ducked to see her eyes. “Right?”
“Nope. I’m pretty sure I failed. I would bet money on it, actually.”
“Hm.” His spirit didn’t damper. “Maybe you could bribe him to give you an A? I mean, you have had a tough week.”
“Yeah right. He’d probably want a million dollars, which I don’t have.” Why was Tyler being so nice? This was unusual even for his friendly personality. And why was Vicki telling him all of this. She suddenly felt uncomfortable, for no real reason.
“I’ve…gotta go. I’ll see ya in Physics. Another test to bomb.” She tried to smile, than headed for her locker.
Tyler watched her leave with a confused look on his face. Unsure of why she had taken off so quickly. Did he say something to offend her? Who knows. He shook his head. Hopefully she wouldn’t ignore him in Physics. Or, maybe she should. The thought brought a dark spot into his mood. There was one thing about Tyler that no one knew. One thing no one could ever know. And that was that Tyler was no good to be around, and he knew it.
Tyler’s happy mood had dampened. He had been looking forward to seeing Vicki after spending the last few days out of town. It was annoying for him to have to disappear for days, than come back with little to no explanation why he had been gone. Plus, the make-up work was a killer. Lucky for him, he had help with his homework.
Now that he had finally seen Vicki, he had made her mad somehow. He wasn’t sure what he had said, nor why she was avoiding him. Was it because he had been avoiding everyone for all these years? Tyler felt the anger boil in his chest. He needed a punching bag to hit. Lucky for him, his locker satisfied as one.
The hard hit to his metal locker cut his knuckles, but it was only minor and barely fazed him. He had suffered many worst injuries then the small cuts that bled on his hand. He could care less about the students that watched him as he popped open his now slightly bent locker door. The books were arranged the shelf in a messy fashion, but there were only a few books in the locker, so it didn’t appear to be too messy. Tyler didn’t have to try very hard at school. He was already advanced past the high school level, but he still had to graduate and get a diploma if he wanted to go anywhere in his life.
The day passed a little smoother for Vicki, to her relief. She talked to Tyler a little during Physics, though the test put them both in a bad mood it seemed. Then in English they made paper footballs together and launched them at each other across the room when Mrs. Delenga wasn’t looking. It made the entire class giggle, but Mrs. Delenga just ignored Vicki and Tyler, and continued to teach.
That night Vicki played scrabble with her family. It was a quiet game, but it felt nice to have the family together. Things just hadn’t been the same since Wednesday.
Vicki slept without sleeping pills this time. Instead, she drowned out all thoughts by listening to her music loudly through her headphones.
“Baby don’t worry cause I’ll be there in a hurry.” The song was a beautiful piano piece with an amazing male vocalist. “You’ll be okay when I get there….” Tyler’s face flashed in Vicki’s head, but it was gone before she could question why it was there. Then sleep came and she slept till her alarm woke her.
Thursday and Friday went almost the exact same way as Wednesday had, minus the horrendous tests, which Vicki had in fact failed. Vicki was feeling better. More confident. That is, until Friday.
It was Friday afternoon and Tyler was walking Vicki to her locker, it was becoming a routine now. People had started to take notice that they spent more time together, but Tyler blew it off. He liked hanging out with Vicki, and that’s what he wanted to do. The bell announcing the weekend had rang, which released the mass amounts of students.
“Tyler?” Their conversation about polar bears had died, and her voice held a serious tone to it now. He noticed the change immediately and watched her expression. Tyler was becoming more familiar with Vicki, which made reading her face easier. Though somehow, she still always seemed to be hiding something. He couldn’t blame her. He was hiding something him self.
“Yes?”
“Will you be coming to the funeral tonight?” She looked like she was on the verge of crying. A small pain shot through Tyler’s chest. He hate seeing her sad.
Tyler had paused before answering. Vicki looked up to see his face. He was trying to figure out if he could come. He was scheduled to leave town that afternoon, maybe he could postpone it…
“You don’t have to come.” Vicki said. She averted her eyes.
“Do you want me to come?” Tyler didn’t know if she was being kind, or if she really wanted him there.
“Yeah. Of course. But I’d understand if you don’t want to. I mean. It’s just a funeral.” She got to her locker and opened the door. He leaned casually against Luke’s locker. Tyler could smell her sweet perfume. She smelled like wildflowers.
“Then, I’ll be there.” He smiled, but Vicki didn’t seem to see it. Her eyes were filling with tears and her face had lost its color. Tyler could tell she was worried about the funeral. He cradled her chin with his hand, lifting her eyes to his face.
“Hey.” He tried to comfort her, but didn’t know how. “It’s going to be okay.” He watched as a tear fell down her cheek. Gently, so gently, he brushed it away. She sniffed.
“Thanks.” She sounded like a frog. More tears started to pour down her face. “Sorry.” She said and wiped away the tears. But the word wasn’t very convincing as her cheeks still glistened with moisture. Tyler wrapped his arms around her. His embrace was warm and strong. Very protective.
“You don’t ever have to be sorry, Vicki.” He held her tighter. Vicki leaned into his embrace. Tyler wished he could help her. More then anything he wanted to help her. “I thought you were okay. You were doing so well. But, now I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
They stood there, Vicki wrapped in Tyler’s muscular arms, tears pouring down her face, for ten minutes. Then, slowly, Tyler could feel Vicki began to regain her composure. Tyler not once loosened his arms which were wrapped around her waist and shoulders. When he was convinced she was done crying, he let her loose. Only enough for him to get a good look at her face. It was red and tear streaked, but she looked okay. For the time being.
“I’m fine. Really.” Vicki said in response to his scrutinizing stare.
“I’m going to let you go. But only under the condition that you tell me when you’re not okay, alright?” She nodded in agreement. “Okay.” His arms fell to his side.
Vicki took a deep, staggered breath and turned back to her locker. The door was still open. She grabbed another book and headed for the car. Tyler walked her, he tried to smile, but he knew it wasn’t genuine. Tyler opened her car door for her, and just as he was about to close it, he reached in a stroked Vicki’s hair. Pain creasing his face and filling his chest.
“It’s going to be okay.” He said, then he closed the door and was gone.
“Wednesday. Half way there.” Vicki mumbled when she finally figured out what day it was. The next problem was figuring out what that loud, obnoxious noise was. She realized it was her alarm and she quickly turned it off. This was the worst part of taking sleeping pills; they made you all groggy the next day. But at least she wasn’t tired, or freaked out about some man chasing her.
Vicki got ready for school like she always did. Perhaps today would be the day things would get better.
“The funeral is going to be Friday night at 6:00pm.” Mom announced as Vicki entered the kitchen. Vicki’s hope of a better day vanished with that sentence. “Is that okay with you?”
“It has to be.” Vicki mumbled under her breath. How would she ever survive?
“Sweetie, we are all doing our best here.” Mom kissed her on the forehead. “Want some eggs?”
“I think I’ll just have a granola bar.” Vicki grabbed the small bar from the pantry. “Let’s go, Jackie.” Vicki called and headed for the car.
Jackie was close behind, a trait that was very likable in her. The two headed to school. Vicki ate her granola bar with one hand and drove with the other. The parking lot at school was filling up with student’s cars. Vicki found the closest parking place and headed inside. Her head still felt cloudy from the sleep pills.
“Feeling better?” Luke’s locker was next to Vicki’s so it was only logical that they met up.
“Yeah. A Bit. Although, I really hate taking sleeping pills.”
“Yeah. Those put you in a weird state.” Luke closed his locker. “Having trouble sleeping?”
“I’ve been having this really weird dream. It just bothers me.”
“Disturbing dreams are common after a traumatic experience like a death.” Luke was going to by a psychologist. Leave it to him to conduct therapy with anyone, right in the middle of the hallway.
“And how would one get rid of these unwanted dreams?” Vicki was more humoring him then actually being interested.
“Address the problem. Work for a solution. And resolve the conflict.” It sounded so simple. The bell for first period ended their therapy session.
“Thanks, Luke. I’ll work on that.” She smiled and headed for class. Luke headed the other direction.
Psychology wasn’t as therapeutic as what Vicki would have hoped it would be; Luke did a much better job in the middle of a crowded hallway. The class was more lecture-peutic. They were still discussing the brain, though they had moved on from the lobes to the nerve paths. It was deathly fascinating. Vicki could feel the headache coming on. It was like an expected friend whom no one liked. It just wouldn’t go away. Finally the bell rang. Perhaps today was a good day to slam her head in her locker. Vicki smiled at the ludicrousness of the idea. Still…..
“Vicki!” Allie met Vicki at her locker. She quickly wrapped her arms around Vicki. “Hi.” She smiled. Not the sort of happy smile, but the ‘I will try and make it better’ smile. This, in turn, made Vicki smile.
“I brought you a Teddy Bear.” Allie handed Vicki the soft white bear. “You can name him, if you want.”
“Thanks, Allie. That’s really sweet.” Vicki took the bear. He was soft.
“Well, I gotta go. But I hope you like him. You can tell him anything. He’ll keep your secrets.” Allie smiled and headed for class. Vicki grabbed her Business book and headed off, leaving teddy in her locker. She was beginning to think a little clearer, but not much. She had run into several other students and a wall already this morning. Perhaps sleeping pills were not a good idea at all.
Business was its usual boring self. Vicki learned absolutely nothing in that class. Well, that’s not completely true. She did learn that she could in fact fold a piece of paper eight times before it became close to impossible to fold it another time. She had also learned that the hang over from the pills, made her hand eye coordination impossible. She had knocked over a waste basket on the way out of class.
“Kill me now.” Vicki complained when she saw Jen. Jen was sweet, but she didn’t do well with other’s pain, so she just stood and nodded. At the moment, that was all Vicki needed. She threw her business book in her locker and headed for calculus. They had a test today and Vicki was sure she was going to fail. Miserably.
She dragged her feet all the way to class, pausing only slightly at the door to take a deep breath. She walked through the door with every intention of letting the breath out in a long sigh, but the air caught in her chest.
Tyler was back. He sat at his desk with his back turned to the door. Vicki couldn’t see his face, but it was definitely him. Only when her lungs started protesting did she finally let her air out and suck in a deep breath.
This was dumb. What else had she expected? Of course Tyler was here. This was his school. His class room. And his chair. Of course he was here. Vicki looked at the ground and headed for her chair three rows behind his. She bumped into the desk at the front of the row, several students turned to stare. Never again would she take those pills, she swore, as she smiled shyly at the students. The pills were giving her too many bruises. She walked down the aisle, carefully avoided anything that might fall over or cause her injury. She was so focused that the warm hand on her arm made her jump. She looked up with wide eyes at Tyler. His smile faded and he instantly released her arm.
“Sorry.” He was concerned; it was obvious in his face and voice. “I didn’t mean to scare ya. You okay?”
“Uh. Yeah. Don’t worry about. I’m just having an off day.” She walked towards her seat. She needed to sit down before she destroyed something.
“You need anything?” He was following her down the aisle.
“Nope. Just a chair.” She sat in her desk chair, dropping her books on the wood desk.
“Okay.” Tyler crouched next to her desk, staring at her. She avoided all eye contact.
“You look…pale.” He said, “Are you feeling okay?”
“Peachy.” She tried to reassure him as she fumbled with her books.
“Peachy?”
“Yup. Peachy.”
“Peachy. Okay.” He didn’t buy it. “You gunna tell me the truth?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Um. Don’t want to?” She was wavering, and he persisted.
“Sure ya do. Tell me what’s up.” He looked at her with his beautiful eyes. Vicki had to focus to get her train of thought back.
“Don’t you remember last week at all?”
“Yeah, but it’s not that.” He was analyzing her now. She sighed. He wouldn’t leave her alone until she told him something.
“So, perhaps I may have taken a couple sleeping pills and perhaps they may have affected the way I am able to concentrate now. And perhaps my coordination. And thinking ability.” She trailed off, considering all the side effects of the pills.
“Sleeping pills?” He sounded a bit relieved.
“Sleeping pills.” She reassured him.
“Well, then. Peachy.” He teased as he got up and walked back to his desk. Vicki sighed. That was…well, new. He sat down at his desk, than turned slightly to glance at her. She smiled. He just shook his head and turned to face the front. Vicki mumbled to herself. Peachy? What kind of an idiot says peachy? Oh well. It could have been worse.
“Class. Clear your desk. All you need is a pencil and a calculator.” Mr. Bernen announced from the front of the class.
Test time.
Vicki did as the teacher instructed, sending one last prayer towards heaven that she would pass. Mr. Bernen handed out the test and the moment the test sat in front of Vicki, she knew the outcome. She groaned.
“I should have studied.” She said just loud enough so the boy sitting next to her could hear. He snickered.
“Me too.” He whispered.
Death by paper. There was such a thing. And it was called a test.
Vicki gave it her best shot. She was usually pretty good at calculus, but today was just not her day. Or was it? Tyler had showed up. That was good at least. She thought about Tyler as she took the test, never once thinking about Jake’s threat.
She finished the test with ten minutes left in the period. She walked to the front and handed it to the teacher. Then she turned and headed back to her desk. She glanced at Tyler and caught his eyes. He smiled. He was already done with his test. Stupid smart people.
The bell rang and the class emptied. Vicki walked out with the herd. Before she knew it, Tyler was at her side.
“How do you think you did?” He looked confident. Too confident.
“I think I failed.” Vicki kicked a wadded piece of paper.
“I’m sure you didn’t do that bad.” He ducked to see her eyes. “Right?”
“Nope. I’m pretty sure I failed. I would bet money on it, actually.”
“Hm.” His spirit didn’t damper. “Maybe you could bribe him to give you an A? I mean, you have had a tough week.”
“Yeah right. He’d probably want a million dollars, which I don’t have.” Why was Tyler being so nice? This was unusual even for his friendly personality. And why was Vicki telling him all of this. She suddenly felt uncomfortable, for no real reason.
“I’ve…gotta go. I’ll see ya in Physics. Another test to bomb.” She tried to smile, than headed for her locker.
Tyler watched her leave with a confused look on his face. Unsure of why she had taken off so quickly. Did he say something to offend her? Who knows. He shook his head. Hopefully she wouldn’t ignore him in Physics. Or, maybe she should. The thought brought a dark spot into his mood. There was one thing about Tyler that no one knew. One thing no one could ever know. And that was that Tyler was no good to be around, and he knew it.
Tyler’s happy mood had dampened. He had been looking forward to seeing Vicki after spending the last few days out of town. It was annoying for him to have to disappear for days, than come back with little to no explanation why he had been gone. Plus, the make-up work was a killer. Lucky for him, he had help with his homework.
Now that he had finally seen Vicki, he had made her mad somehow. He wasn’t sure what he had said, nor why she was avoiding him. Was it because he had been avoiding everyone for all these years? Tyler felt the anger boil in his chest. He needed a punching bag to hit. Lucky for him, his locker satisfied as one.
The hard hit to his metal locker cut his knuckles, but it was only minor and barely fazed him. He had suffered many worst injuries then the small cuts that bled on his hand. He could care less about the students that watched him as he popped open his now slightly bent locker door. The books were arranged the shelf in a messy fashion, but there were only a few books in the locker, so it didn’t appear to be too messy. Tyler didn’t have to try very hard at school. He was already advanced past the high school level, but he still had to graduate and get a diploma if he wanted to go anywhere in his life.
The day passed a little smoother for Vicki, to her relief. She talked to Tyler a little during Physics, though the test put them both in a bad mood it seemed. Then in English they made paper footballs together and launched them at each other across the room when Mrs. Delenga wasn’t looking. It made the entire class giggle, but Mrs. Delenga just ignored Vicki and Tyler, and continued to teach.
That night Vicki played scrabble with her family. It was a quiet game, but it felt nice to have the family together. Things just hadn’t been the same since Wednesday.
Vicki slept without sleeping pills this time. Instead, she drowned out all thoughts by listening to her music loudly through her headphones.
“Baby don’t worry cause I’ll be there in a hurry.” The song was a beautiful piano piece with an amazing male vocalist. “You’ll be okay when I get there….” Tyler’s face flashed in Vicki’s head, but it was gone before she could question why it was there. Then sleep came and she slept till her alarm woke her.
Thursday and Friday went almost the exact same way as Wednesday had, minus the horrendous tests, which Vicki had in fact failed. Vicki was feeling better. More confident. That is, until Friday.
It was Friday afternoon and Tyler was walking Vicki to her locker, it was becoming a routine now. People had started to take notice that they spent more time together, but Tyler blew it off. He liked hanging out with Vicki, and that’s what he wanted to do. The bell announcing the weekend had rang, which released the mass amounts of students.
“Tyler?” Their conversation about polar bears had died, and her voice held a serious tone to it now. He noticed the change immediately and watched her expression. Tyler was becoming more familiar with Vicki, which made reading her face easier. Though somehow, she still always seemed to be hiding something. He couldn’t blame her. He was hiding something him self.
“Yes?”
“Will you be coming to the funeral tonight?” She looked like she was on the verge of crying. A small pain shot through Tyler’s chest. He hate seeing her sad.
Tyler had paused before answering. Vicki looked up to see his face. He was trying to figure out if he could come. He was scheduled to leave town that afternoon, maybe he could postpone it…
“You don’t have to come.” Vicki said. She averted her eyes.
“Do you want me to come?” Tyler didn’t know if she was being kind, or if she really wanted him there.
“Yeah. Of course. But I’d understand if you don’t want to. I mean. It’s just a funeral.” She got to her locker and opened the door. He leaned casually against Luke’s locker. Tyler could smell her sweet perfume. She smelled like wildflowers.
“Then, I’ll be there.” He smiled, but Vicki didn’t seem to see it. Her eyes were filling with tears and her face had lost its color. Tyler could tell she was worried about the funeral. He cradled her chin with his hand, lifting her eyes to his face.
“Hey.” He tried to comfort her, but didn’t know how. “It’s going to be okay.” He watched as a tear fell down her cheek. Gently, so gently, he brushed it away. She sniffed.
“Thanks.” She sounded like a frog. More tears started to pour down her face. “Sorry.” She said and wiped away the tears. But the word wasn’t very convincing as her cheeks still glistened with moisture. Tyler wrapped his arms around her. His embrace was warm and strong. Very protective.
“You don’t ever have to be sorry, Vicki.” He held her tighter. Vicki leaned into his embrace. Tyler wished he could help her. More then anything he wanted to help her. “I thought you were okay. You were doing so well. But, now I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
They stood there, Vicki wrapped in Tyler’s muscular arms, tears pouring down her face, for ten minutes. Then, slowly, Tyler could feel Vicki began to regain her composure. Tyler not once loosened his arms which were wrapped around her waist and shoulders. When he was convinced she was done crying, he let her loose. Only enough for him to get a good look at her face. It was red and tear streaked, but she looked okay. For the time being.
“I’m fine. Really.” Vicki said in response to his scrutinizing stare.
“I’m going to let you go. But only under the condition that you tell me when you’re not okay, alright?” She nodded in agreement. “Okay.” His arms fell to his side.
Vicki took a deep, staggered breath and turned back to her locker. The door was still open. She grabbed another book and headed for the car. Tyler walked her, he tried to smile, but he knew it wasn’t genuine. Tyler opened her car door for her, and just as he was about to close it, he reached in a stroked Vicki’s hair. Pain creasing his face and filling his chest.
“It’s going to be okay.” He said, then he closed the door and was gone.
Broken Toys
When you were young, did you ever go running to your dad, broken toy in hand, crying because you had destroyed your favorite play thing? And how often did your dad tell you that it would never be fixed and you should just throw it away? If he was anything like my dad, that was very rare. In my house, super glue could fix anything; several times. My dad would graciously fix my toys and return them to me for my pleasure, until I broke them again. But even with the most patient of fathers, there came a time when my dad would say that this was the last time he'd fix it, and if my toy broke again, we'd just have to throw the toy away and play with a different one. To me, this was a horrific idea. But to my father, it was no threat at all. Of course he would never throw away one of my favorite toys. He just knew that I needed to learn to play carefully with my toys. And I would learn.
I can't help but compare this childhood story to one of a more recent occurrence. All too often I find myself running back to God, with my life in ruins, and saying in the most pathetic, childish of voices "daddy will you fix it?" And as always, he does. God takes the broken pieces of my life, and glues them back together. Then I promise to take extra good care of it and do exactly what he told me to in order to make my life run smoother and more enjoyable. But just moments after I walk away, my life fully whole, I trip and it shatters yet again. But God would certainly never tell me that it's time to discard my life and try again with another one. Of course that's ridiculous. But what if he could? Would he? Would he roll his eyes and say that it's time to move on to something different? No. He would lovingly and caringly dry my tears and glue the pieces back together so that I may have yet another chance at happiness.
It's a wonderful God I serve.
I can't help but compare this childhood story to one of a more recent occurrence. All too often I find myself running back to God, with my life in ruins, and saying in the most pathetic, childish of voices "daddy will you fix it?" And as always, he does. God takes the broken pieces of my life, and glues them back together. Then I promise to take extra good care of it and do exactly what he told me to in order to make my life run smoother and more enjoyable. But just moments after I walk away, my life fully whole, I trip and it shatters yet again. But God would certainly never tell me that it's time to discard my life and try again with another one. Of course that's ridiculous. But what if he could? Would he? Would he roll his eyes and say that it's time to move on to something different? No. He would lovingly and caringly dry my tears and glue the pieces back together so that I may have yet another chance at happiness.
It's a wonderful God I serve.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Precious Moments of Sheer Idiocy.
This is just a little something that my sister and I wrote via text message while we were both bored at school.
People are stupid.
Their brains are made of liquid.
I will shoot them with an arrow, but not like cupid.
They're going to get frigid.
And get pooped on by pigeons.
Some music is annoying.
It seems like it is toying.
But it may be enjoying.
Sometimes it goes ding ding boing.
And then turns to boring.
There are a lot of notes.
I want to throw them off a boat.
Be a good citizen and vote.
Without your goat.
Because it will bloat.
The weather is bipolar.
It gives me quite a molar.
hahahahahahahah. It seems to be solar.
It makes me get colder.
Then it seems like I'm older.
You're strange.
Like an orange.
Let's go dance.
In a prance.
I have ants in my pants.
And an awesome stance.
And do a chant.
Like an orange.
Let's go dance.
In a prance.
I have ants in my pants.
And an awesome stance.
And do a chant.
People are stupid.
Their brains are made of liquid.
I will shoot them with an arrow, but not like cupid.
They're going to get frigid.
And get pooped on by pigeons.
Some music is annoying.
It seems like it is toying.
But it may be enjoying.
Sometimes it goes ding ding boing.
And then turns to boring.
There are a lot of notes.
I want to throw them off a boat.
Be a good citizen and vote.
Without your goat.
Because it will bloat.
The weather is bipolar.
It gives me quite a molar.
hahahahahahahah. It seems to be solar.
It makes me get colder.
Then it seems like I'm older.
La Fin!
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