Getting Darker

Do you know that saying “My life flashed before my eyes”? Well, mine did. Only, it wasn’t my life. Amidst all the sights, sounds, and emotions, I realized what I had already known; my life was nothing. The life I saw flash before my eyes was poetic and beautiful. Though it was all nondescript, I knew that whoever’s life it was, had a wonderful life. Their life was full of rich emotions and vibrant colors. They had lived to their fullest and did everything in such a poetic manner it was almost unfathomable. It was as their life, so saturated with beauty, flashed before my eyes that I felt confident in my decision.

Then there’s the notion of a white light. I had always been told never to follow the white light. That it led to nothing good. But as I saw it now, right in front of me, I couldn’t think of a reason not to follow it. Though hesitant at first, I came to several conclusions which strengthened my decision.

First, was the feeling I felt. I had this overwhelming sense that there was nothing wrong with the white light, actually, quite the opposite. I felt, no I knew, that there was something better on the other side of that light. It was calling me, beckoning me to follow willingly. It was the oasis in the desert; the dry ground in the ocean; the final platform of happiness. It was where I wanted to be.

It was then that I came to my second conclusion. The life that had flashed before my eyes, the emotions I had experienced, was not someone else’s life at all. The poetic and beautiful life of fullness and content waited on the other side of the white light. All I had to do was follow. There was nothing to hold me back now; no peace of mind in going back.

This led me to my final conclusion, and ultimately, action. I went towards the light. It wasn’t even like I floated in the general direction of the white light. I jumped up and ran towards the light, anxious to experience the world on the other side. There was no hesitation, no wondering. With reckless abandon and full-steam-ahead I lurched at the opportunity to seize this chance. Flinging myself into the vastness of the light and allowing it to engulf me, I anxiously anticipated the following moments.

But it was not what I expected. Instead, it was quite horrifying. All of my hope and ambition drained from my soul as I felt the weight of empty dreams. There was no other life, no poetic existence. Never had I felt so alone, so abandoned, as I did after I had followed the light. No wonder people told you not to follow it. It led to nowhere, nothing, zilch, nada. Not a thing moved or crept in the eternal darkness. I felt damned, stricken to my soul with sorrow. What had I done?

To my ever increasing horror, I had not experienced the worst. As the reality of my decision sunk in, I realized something tremendous. My life had been what I had seen after all. I saw now with new clarity what my life had been. I had experienced beauty and lived in vibrant colors. It had been my life wrapped around a poetic thread. In the end, what I had been chasing was what I had given up. That was poetic in the fullest sense. That I had left something in order to gain the same thing tore through me like fire through a dried forest. Dear God, what had I done?

Instantly and incomprehensively I regretted my decision which had started the cascade of ending hopes. I regretted the life I had taken advantage of, the emotions I had so naïvely ignored. Why hadn’t I stopped myself? I had so much more to offer, so many more paths to take. But instead, I had wallowed in my self-pity and in the end, created a worse outcome. I had left a life of color only to all-too-willingly throw myself into this pit of darkness.

And what was worse, it was getting darker.

Mr. Darcy--So Flawed, He's Perfect

I know that Mr. Darcy is a common topic. All girls are in love with him (for the most part), and I am no exception. But I would like to talk about WHY I love Mr. Darcy. And you may be surprised...

I had a friend of mine say something during one of our many, in depth discussions that made me think. She, in a fit of anguish (I think), said...

"Maybe there is no Mr. Darcy out there for me..."

WHAT?? That's a terrible thought! I hold true to the idea that there is a Mr. Darcy out there for ever girl (and probably an Elizabeth Bennett out there for the dudes, if that's what they'd want). And here's why I think this.

Girls tend to romanticize things. I know, shock...or not. But we take things that we like and make them better in our mind, and then spit them back out as reality. The problem with this is that this reality that we've spit back out doesn't go over well with anyone else...

But that's beside the point. Though it does play in to my main argument.

See, I'll show you. Think about Mr. Darcy. I don't care who you are. Think about what he says. How he acts. How he conducts himself. What do you notice?

He's perfect. He really is.

But he's not. The problem with this "Mr. Darcy" that we've created in our minds is that it's not actually the same Mr. Darcy that Jane Austen created. It's the romanticized version that woman have created in their minds and tried to push back out into reality.

Now, we're not entirely wrong. Mr. Darcy says the greatest things! Such as....

“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

"Yes, but that was only when I first knew her, for it is many months since I have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance.''

"My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.”

Be still my heart! What a fantastic man! See? He is perfect. End of blog.

But....no.

There's the problem. We completely forget the first part of the book, the first part of the movie, the part of Mr. Darcy where he's a total and complete jerk. Remember when he said,

“She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me."

“My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” (Arrogance much?)

"I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance."



Excuse me? He just basically said that Elizabeth wasn't pretty enough for him, that he's got great discernment, and that his "better judgement" is telling him that Elizabeth is inferior to himself. Right...what a charmer. Keep in mind, he completely insults her just moments before declaring his love. Way to win a girl over, Mr. Darcy. Then Elizabeth asks him if he dances and he says "not if I can help it". Let's also not forget about the fact that he destroyed Jane's relationship with Mr. Bingley and let Mr. Wickham run wild (without being severely beaten).

Mr. Darcy is a...well...a meanie head with self-centered tendencies.

Ah...but no! You can't say those things! He's Mr. Darcy! He's romantic and handsome and swoops girls off their feet!

Wrong. That's the Mr. Darcy at the end of the book. So when someone says there is no Mr. Darcy out there for them, then I just think that they're forgetting the part where Mr. Darcy made mistakes, messed up, said the wrong things, and then added insult to injury! What was he thinking??

Well, he's human (er...in a fictional character sort of way). If we (as in girls looking for Mr. Darcy or guys looking for an Elizabeth) really want to find this amazing, inspiring, take-our-breath away person, then we need to look for the whole person; flaws and all.

Part of the reason I love Mr. Darcy is that he isn't perfect, but he's perfect for Elizabeth. By the end of the story, he realizes his short-comings (So does Elizabeth, because both parties needed to admit they were wrong--but that's another blog entirely) and together they create the perfect pair. This is the perfection we see. Together, their flaws get washed out in them fitting together.

So, basically, this is a lot of rambling just to say that in order to find a Mr. Darcy, we have to be looking for the complete and real Mr. Darcy, insults and all.

“You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Oh dear.

Sometimes, I do the stupidest things!

You know what I'm talking about. It's that thing that the moment you do it, you think "that was probably the dumbest thing I could have done in that situation."

Yeah. That just happened to me.

On the headboard of my bed, I had this beautiful candle holder sitting. It's, of course, made of glass and very pretty. First dumb thing, you've probably already spotted, was putting a breakable, glass thing on my headboard. Right, I know, stupid. But it gets worse.

That thing has been sitting there for, oh I don't know, months. Never had a problem with it. Until tonight. Tonight, I was writing a paper, laying on my bed with my feet near my headboard and, guess what....it fell over.

You probably saw that coming.

But luckily, it had just sort of tilted over and landed on my journal, nice padding for candle holder to fall over on. So, now you're thinking, "Phew! Pick that thing up and put it somewhere that you won't knock it over, you clumsy oaf."

But no, that would be too easy.

So instead, guess what I do. Go on, guess. I dare you.

Nope. That's not it. I decide, with my genius absent-mindedness, to try and set the candle holder back up using my.... TOES!

Now you've probably slammed your head on to your computer keyboard, realizing that this story is just a retelling of the stupidest situation in the history of situations. However, we're on a roll so I'll continue.

Being very careful, I try to set the candle holder back up using my dainty, weak little toes. It slips once, landing back on the journal, and I think "Oh Andrea. You're going to drop this thing and break it. Just sit up and put that thing back in its place."

But no, that would be easy.

Instead, being the stubborn person that I am, I try again with my little toesies. A little wiggle here, and little wiggle there and--

CRASH!

You guessed that part though, didn't you?

Yes. It broke. Of course it broke. It broke when it slipped from my toes, fell from my headboard, and smashed against my nightstand. So now, lucky me, I have glass pieces in my bed and around my bed in the carpet. See, I knew this was stupid and yet I proceeded to act stupidly. The moment it broke I instantly regretted all of my previous actions. Why did I use my toes? Why didn't I just stand it up using my hands? Why was it on my headboard? Why did I have glass things anyways? WHY WHY WHY??

But, alas, it's broken. And now I will sleep with the horror of a glass bed, contemplating my stupidity in that moment when all could have been saved.

I hope, for the sake of my dignity, I'm not alone in this wild nonsense in those moments when my brain completely stops working.

Also, the picture has nothing to do with anything but it's pretty so there you go.

Uneven

Many things are changing,
And some things never should,
But I am rearranging,
And sometimes, it's for good.

But as I stand and wait here,
Gathered around my friends,
I can't help but wonder,
Why this has to end.

I'll try not to feel sadness,
Since it's really not that bad,
But I kind of feel a madness,
And it's annoying.

The Rain

I washed myself in the rain. Though its cool tips tingled my bare skin, its pulse invigorated my heart. I wish to be one with the rain. I wish for its moisture to run in my veins. As I stand, arms open to embrace heaven's tears, I cannot help but feel enlightened. The sporadic patter of drops on my skin is like tiny shots of light, piercing the surface and reaching down to my core. I will stand in the rain a while more, though it may lead to my demise. I will embrace the cold rain with a warm heart, sacrificing myself as the host. It may grow in me. I will consume all of its power, every drop of crispness, until my warm, beating heart is lost in the ice.

Yes, I will be one with the rain, even if it kills me. Especially if it kills.

Sometimes, You Don't Need Words.

 

Made of Awkward

It's been forever since I last blogged. I honestly don't know where to start. There's so much that I would like to say, yet as it all comes to mind one-by-one, they each seem so insignificant. Why bother? I seem to tell myself. And yet...here I am again.

Do you ever got lost in your own mind? It seems to happen to me more often than it should. Tonight, I was making a cup of tea while simultaneously filling a bottle of water. Unfortunately, I got so lost in thought while dipping my tea bag in and out of the warm water, that my water bottle overflowed and continued to overflow onto the kitchen counter. It was some moments before my mind returned to me and I got over to shut the water off. I then had quite the mess to clean up.

Things like this seem to happen to me quite often, which is quite unfortunate. Usually, these moments end in embarrassment on my behalf and some form of awkwardness.

Sometimes, I feel like the world moves much faster than me. I get left behind. Is it that I'm lazy? Is it that I'm not mentally up-to-speed? Could I say I'm a relaxed person? Or perhaps just unaware? Whatever the reason. I'm usually still sipping my coffee when the rest of the world has moved on to their evening cocktails. It's long after the rest of the world has shut their eyes, that I feel mine are finally starting to see clearly.

I suppose it doesn't really matter. Maybe I should just try harder to be on the rest of the world's timeline, rather than strolling by my own clock's time.

That being said, I will do the exact opposite. I'm going to snuggle down with a cup of warm tea and watch Sherlock. 

Hello London!

Oh my gosh. I went on a trip to London for a week and it was fantastic! I had so much fun! I met up with my friend, Beth, and we saw all the sights of London.

London is a magical place. It's so beautiful no matter where you look. I am a personal fan of cloudy weather with fog so London was perfect for me. The weather was great while we were there. It never even rained, which was amazing (though kind of sad, because I love rain). Some days, it was even completely sunny and clear skies! Very pleasant. I loved it. I was there for about a week and took about 1700 photos. ^_^ Plus, one of the highlights, was when I made one of the royal guards laugh...er...he made me laugh.

What happened was he was looking at me, while I took pictures of him, and then he made his eyes go really wide. This made me laugh, which in turn, made him laugh. When I walked away, I waved at him and he smiled. It was definitely a priceless moment! There were a lot of fun moments throughout the week. Like the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace, walks in Kensington Gardens, and the long underground rides. Haha.

I will definitely go back to London. It stole a piece of my heart and now I have a desire to travel everywhere! What also makes it great is that the people there speak English...to some extent. There was an obviously intoxicated man who launched into a conversation with Beth and I regarding being American and skiing in Montana vs Colorado. It was very hysterical.

What's even more entertaining about London is that there is a Starbucks about every 10 steps. We went at least once a day (sometimes twice) to use their internet and make sure we had enough energy to get through the day. Across from the Windsor Castle, there is a Starbucks, Pizza Hut, and McDonalds. I thought that was very special. So much for the English culture. ;)

I also have no shame in being the typical tourist. I took an excessive amount of touristy pictures, visited all the touristy spots, and was proud to sound American!

People in London are pretty nice. Save for the random jerks here and there, but that's to be expected everywhere. I love their accents! The first man who spoke to me in a heavy British accent made me want to package him up and bring him home. I must say, by the end of the week, that urge had not subsided at all. Haha. I was still trying to get one to come home with me even after we had landed back in the States.

And oh the traveling! On the way home, it took me 18 hours of flying, 25 hours of being awake, to get home. Beth and I got up at 4:15am, and I went to bed 25 hours later once I got home. All of my flights were delayed at some point or another. The one back from London was so delayed that we actually missed our connecting flight to Denver. That was an adventure.

The whole trip was amazing. It was perfect in its own imperfect way. Things didn't always go well, or as planned, but they always worked themselves out.

I can't wait to go back!

Feelin' Good!

Have you ever had those days when you're very productive and it just feels awesome?? I'm having one of those days. I have to brag a little right now, since I'm doing so good. It's not even noon, and I've already finished all my homework. Which means, I don't have to worry about any of my schoolwork ALL weekend! YEAH!!

And it's snowing outside. Can I get a "WAHOO"?? I love snow, just so long as I don't have to go driving in it...or muck stalls in it. Which I don't today. SUPER!

What are your productive days like? What motivates you to get things done? I'm not really sure what motivated me today. I just woke up and said, "let's do this!" and I did. Is that what happens with you? Most of the time I just wake up and think, "I'll get to it when I get to it." Not a real winning attitude, but it's served me well so far. ;)

The only thing with getting my schoolwork done that's a bummer, is that now I "have time" to focus on the BIGGER projects. Like, oh, filling out applications to get a job. That's a bummer.

Or selling my old textbooks. Super lame. But it has to be done.

Or the more exciting projects like sending out queries to try and get my book published.

But the BEST big project I have to focus on is planning my March trip to LONDON. Yes, I'm going. It's going to be awesome.

I bet you can guess where my attention is going to be? If not, I'll give you a hint. I would rather be reserving hotels in London than putting in my previous work experience. ^_^

But, ahhh it's a good day. I'm feelin' good. Feelin' productive. Feelin' energized!

How are you feeling??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edwsf-8F3sI&ob=av2n

Big Gestures!

For me, watching TV shows and movies can sometimes be all about a single moment. Most of the time, because I'm a girl who LOVES romance, those big gestures are romantic. Big gestures are like the turning point of the relationship. The big gesture could be when they finally give in and kiss, or it could be (more likely in the older movies and shows), when he touches her hand or dances with her. Those are the moments that make me go "gahhh!!!" in happy splendor.

I'm reminded of the movie "Chasing Liberty". At some point the main guy, whatever his name was, says something like "he didn't make the big gesture to her" (talking about his father/mother's relationship). Because this dude's father never made the big gesture, the mom and son never saw the father again (or something along those lines). In this case, the big gesture was for the man to say something like "I'll stay home for you" (meaning, not go running off out of the country for his job) (If you've seen this movie and I'm getting it wrong, correct me. It's been awhile). So big gestures differ greatly but, when they are done properly, they totally make the movie...

Or break it.

So what happens when there is no big gesture? Well, let's think of it this way. Imagine you went out to dinner at a super fancy restaurant. It was delicious! Everything tasted extraordinary (I don't understand this word. Why is being EXTRA ordinary a good thing?) and you were stuffed to the max. But, the restaurant is KNOWN for it's delicious, ooey-gooey Chocolate Mountain and Fudge Cake dessert. You're too full to eat it now, but you get it to go. You put it in your fridge and, oddly enough, forget about it. The next evening, after a long, busy day at work and the gym, you're exhausted. You're laying on your bed, wishing you had something to brighten your day. THEN, you realize that you have that incredible dessert downstairs. Instantly, your mouth starts to water (is anyone else craving chocolate?), you jump from your bed, excitement filling your body. You run down the stairs, across the living room, slide across the kitchen floor in your socks, anxiously fling open the door and happily see....

Nothing.

Your roommate ate your cake.

Ah! You're mixed with confusion, anger, disappointment, and you're down-right unsatisfied. Angrily, you search for something to ease your chocolate craving, but nothing works. So, you storm off to your room, swearing to let your roommate have it when they get home from their job.

That's what I feel like when there's no big gesture. The whole thing just fizzes out and you feel like you have to try to replace it with something else. (I fear lots of things in life are like this). But in movies and shows, it's the worse. You expect there to be a big ta-da! If there's not, you're like "what was the point of watching that?" (Kind of like, "What's the point of reading this blog?") There is none! You'll probably feel worse than when you started. If it's a TV show, you pray they will make up for the fizzle with next week's episode. If it's a movie, you're like "is there a sequel I missed??".

So I believe there should be a big gesture. Like I said, it differs greatly. Could be a kiss, could be some perfectly timed words. Who knows. But if your life doesn't have a big gesture, maybe your standards are too high or maybe you're not trying hard enough. Or maybe, you just better keep a good lookout for what's to come.

That's it. :)