Do you know that saying “My life flashed before my eyes”?
Well, mine did. Only, it wasn’t my life. Amidst all the sights, sounds, and
emotions, I realized what I had already known; my life was nothing. The life I
saw flash before my eyes was poetic and beautiful. Though it was all
nondescript, I knew that whoever’s life it was, had a wonderful life. Their
life was full of rich emotions and vibrant colors. They had lived to their
fullest and did everything in such a poetic manner it was almost unfathomable.
It was as their life, so saturated with beauty, flashed before my eyes that I
felt confident in my decision.
Then there’s the notion of a white light. I had always been
told never to follow the white light. That it led to nothing good. But as I saw
it now, right in front of me, I couldn’t think of a reason not to follow it.
Though hesitant at first, I came to several conclusions which strengthened my
decision.
First, was the feeling I felt. I had this overwhelming sense
that there was nothing wrong with the white light, actually, quite the
opposite. I felt, no I knew, that there was something better on the other side
of that light. It was calling me, beckoning me to follow willingly. It was the
oasis in the desert; the dry ground in the ocean; the final platform of
happiness. It was where I wanted to be.
It was then that I came to my second conclusion. The life
that had flashed before my eyes, the emotions I had experienced, was not
someone else’s life at all. The poetic and beautiful life of fullness and
content waited on the other side of the white light. All I had to do was
follow. There was nothing to hold me back now; no peace of mind in going back.
This led me to my final conclusion, and ultimately, action.
I went towards the light. It wasn’t even like I floated in the general
direction of the white light. I jumped up and ran towards the light, anxious to
experience the world on the other side. There was no hesitation, no wondering.
With reckless abandon and full-steam-ahead I lurched at the opportunity to
seize this chance. Flinging myself into the vastness of the light and allowing
it to engulf me, I anxiously anticipated the following moments.
But it was not what I expected. Instead, it was quite
horrifying. All of my hope and ambition drained from my soul as I felt the
weight of empty dreams. There was no other life, no poetic existence. Never had
I felt so alone, so abandoned, as I did after I had followed the light. No
wonder people told you not to follow it. It led to nowhere, nothing, zilch, nada.
Not a thing moved or crept in the eternal darkness. I felt damned, stricken to
my soul with sorrow. What had I done?
To my ever increasing horror, I had not experienced the
worst. As the reality of my decision sunk in, I realized something tremendous. My
life had been what I had seen after all. I saw now with new clarity what my
life had been. I had experienced beauty and lived in vibrant colors. It had
been my life wrapped around a poetic thread. In the end, what I had been
chasing was what I had given up. That was poetic in the fullest sense. That I
had left something in order to gain the same thing tore through me like fire
through a dried forest. Dear God, what had I done?
Instantly and incomprehensively I regretted my decision
which had started the cascade of ending hopes. I regretted the life I had taken
advantage of, the emotions I had so naïvely ignored. Why hadn’t I stopped myself? I had so much
more to offer, so many more paths to take. But instead, I had wallowed in my
self-pity and in the end, created a worse outcome. I had left a life of color
only to all-too-willingly throw myself into this pit of darkness.
And what was worse, it was getting darker.
