Getting Darker

Do you know that saying “My life flashed before my eyes”? Well, mine did. Only, it wasn’t my life. Amidst all the sights, sounds, and emotions, I realized what I had already known; my life was nothing. The life I saw flash before my eyes was poetic and beautiful. Though it was all nondescript, I knew that whoever’s life it was, had a wonderful life. Their life was full of rich emotions and vibrant colors. They had lived to their fullest and did everything in such a poetic manner it was almost unfathomable. It was as their life, so saturated with beauty, flashed before my eyes that I felt confident in my decision.

Then there’s the notion of a white light. I had always been told never to follow the white light. That it led to nothing good. But as I saw it now, right in front of me, I couldn’t think of a reason not to follow it. Though hesitant at first, I came to several conclusions which strengthened my decision.

First, was the feeling I felt. I had this overwhelming sense that there was nothing wrong with the white light, actually, quite the opposite. I felt, no I knew, that there was something better on the other side of that light. It was calling me, beckoning me to follow willingly. It was the oasis in the desert; the dry ground in the ocean; the final platform of happiness. It was where I wanted to be.

It was then that I came to my second conclusion. The life that had flashed before my eyes, the emotions I had experienced, was not someone else’s life at all. The poetic and beautiful life of fullness and content waited on the other side of the white light. All I had to do was follow. There was nothing to hold me back now; no peace of mind in going back.

This led me to my final conclusion, and ultimately, action. I went towards the light. It wasn’t even like I floated in the general direction of the white light. I jumped up and ran towards the light, anxious to experience the world on the other side. There was no hesitation, no wondering. With reckless abandon and full-steam-ahead I lurched at the opportunity to seize this chance. Flinging myself into the vastness of the light and allowing it to engulf me, I anxiously anticipated the following moments.

But it was not what I expected. Instead, it was quite horrifying. All of my hope and ambition drained from my soul as I felt the weight of empty dreams. There was no other life, no poetic existence. Never had I felt so alone, so abandoned, as I did after I had followed the light. No wonder people told you not to follow it. It led to nowhere, nothing, zilch, nada. Not a thing moved or crept in the eternal darkness. I felt damned, stricken to my soul with sorrow. What had I done?

To my ever increasing horror, I had not experienced the worst. As the reality of my decision sunk in, I realized something tremendous. My life had been what I had seen after all. I saw now with new clarity what my life had been. I had experienced beauty and lived in vibrant colors. It had been my life wrapped around a poetic thread. In the end, what I had been chasing was what I had given up. That was poetic in the fullest sense. That I had left something in order to gain the same thing tore through me like fire through a dried forest. Dear God, what had I done?

Instantly and incomprehensively I regretted my decision which had started the cascade of ending hopes. I regretted the life I had taken advantage of, the emotions I had so naïvely ignored. Why hadn’t I stopped myself? I had so much more to offer, so many more paths to take. But instead, I had wallowed in my self-pity and in the end, created a worse outcome. I had left a life of color only to all-too-willingly throw myself into this pit of darkness.

And what was worse, it was getting darker.

Mr. Darcy--So Flawed, He's Perfect

I know that Mr. Darcy is a common topic. All girls are in love with him (for the most part), and I am no exception. But I would like to talk about WHY I love Mr. Darcy. And you may be surprised...

I had a friend of mine say something during one of our many, in depth discussions that made me think. She, in a fit of anguish (I think), said...

"Maybe there is no Mr. Darcy out there for me..."

WHAT?? That's a terrible thought! I hold true to the idea that there is a Mr. Darcy out there for ever girl (and probably an Elizabeth Bennett out there for the dudes, if that's what they'd want). And here's why I think this.

Girls tend to romanticize things. I know, shock...or not. But we take things that we like and make them better in our mind, and then spit them back out as reality. The problem with this is that this reality that we've spit back out doesn't go over well with anyone else...

But that's beside the point. Though it does play in to my main argument.

See, I'll show you. Think about Mr. Darcy. I don't care who you are. Think about what he says. How he acts. How he conducts himself. What do you notice?

He's perfect. He really is.

But he's not. The problem with this "Mr. Darcy" that we've created in our minds is that it's not actually the same Mr. Darcy that Jane Austen created. It's the romanticized version that woman have created in their minds and tried to push back out into reality.

Now, we're not entirely wrong. Mr. Darcy says the greatest things! Such as....

“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

"Yes, but that was only when I first knew her, for it is many months since I have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance.''

"My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.”

Be still my heart! What a fantastic man! See? He is perfect. End of blog.

But....no.

There's the problem. We completely forget the first part of the book, the first part of the movie, the part of Mr. Darcy where he's a total and complete jerk. Remember when he said,

“She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me."

“My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” (Arrogance much?)

"I have fought against my better judgment, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth by rank and circumstance."



Excuse me? He just basically said that Elizabeth wasn't pretty enough for him, that he's got great discernment, and that his "better judgement" is telling him that Elizabeth is inferior to himself. Right...what a charmer. Keep in mind, he completely insults her just moments before declaring his love. Way to win a girl over, Mr. Darcy. Then Elizabeth asks him if he dances and he says "not if I can help it". Let's also not forget about the fact that he destroyed Jane's relationship with Mr. Bingley and let Mr. Wickham run wild (without being severely beaten).

Mr. Darcy is a...well...a meanie head with self-centered tendencies.

Ah...but no! You can't say those things! He's Mr. Darcy! He's romantic and handsome and swoops girls off their feet!

Wrong. That's the Mr. Darcy at the end of the book. So when someone says there is no Mr. Darcy out there for them, then I just think that they're forgetting the part where Mr. Darcy made mistakes, messed up, said the wrong things, and then added insult to injury! What was he thinking??

Well, he's human (er...in a fictional character sort of way). If we (as in girls looking for Mr. Darcy or guys looking for an Elizabeth) really want to find this amazing, inspiring, take-our-breath away person, then we need to look for the whole person; flaws and all.

Part of the reason I love Mr. Darcy is that he isn't perfect, but he's perfect for Elizabeth. By the end of the story, he realizes his short-comings (So does Elizabeth, because both parties needed to admit they were wrong--but that's another blog entirely) and together they create the perfect pair. This is the perfection we see. Together, their flaws get washed out in them fitting together.

So, basically, this is a lot of rambling just to say that in order to find a Mr. Darcy, we have to be looking for the complete and real Mr. Darcy, insults and all.

“You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Oh dear.

Sometimes, I do the stupidest things!

You know what I'm talking about. It's that thing that the moment you do it, you think "that was probably the dumbest thing I could have done in that situation."

Yeah. That just happened to me.

On the headboard of my bed, I had this beautiful candle holder sitting. It's, of course, made of glass and very pretty. First dumb thing, you've probably already spotted, was putting a breakable, glass thing on my headboard. Right, I know, stupid. But it gets worse.

That thing has been sitting there for, oh I don't know, months. Never had a problem with it. Until tonight. Tonight, I was writing a paper, laying on my bed with my feet near my headboard and, guess what....it fell over.

You probably saw that coming.

But luckily, it had just sort of tilted over and landed on my journal, nice padding for candle holder to fall over on. So, now you're thinking, "Phew! Pick that thing up and put it somewhere that you won't knock it over, you clumsy oaf."

But no, that would be too easy.

So instead, guess what I do. Go on, guess. I dare you.

Nope. That's not it. I decide, with my genius absent-mindedness, to try and set the candle holder back up using my.... TOES!

Now you've probably slammed your head on to your computer keyboard, realizing that this story is just a retelling of the stupidest situation in the history of situations. However, we're on a roll so I'll continue.

Being very careful, I try to set the candle holder back up using my dainty, weak little toes. It slips once, landing back on the journal, and I think "Oh Andrea. You're going to drop this thing and break it. Just sit up and put that thing back in its place."

But no, that would be easy.

Instead, being the stubborn person that I am, I try again with my little toesies. A little wiggle here, and little wiggle there and--

CRASH!

You guessed that part though, didn't you?

Yes. It broke. Of course it broke. It broke when it slipped from my toes, fell from my headboard, and smashed against my nightstand. So now, lucky me, I have glass pieces in my bed and around my bed in the carpet. See, I knew this was stupid and yet I proceeded to act stupidly. The moment it broke I instantly regretted all of my previous actions. Why did I use my toes? Why didn't I just stand it up using my hands? Why was it on my headboard? Why did I have glass things anyways? WHY WHY WHY??

But, alas, it's broken. And now I will sleep with the horror of a glass bed, contemplating my stupidity in that moment when all could have been saved.

I hope, for the sake of my dignity, I'm not alone in this wild nonsense in those moments when my brain completely stops working.

Also, the picture has nothing to do with anything but it's pretty so there you go.

Uneven

Many things are changing,
And some things never should,
But I am rearranging,
And sometimes, it's for good.

But as I stand and wait here,
Gathered around my friends,
I can't help but wonder,
Why this has to end.

I'll try not to feel sadness,
Since it's really not that bad,
But I kind of feel a madness,
And it's annoying.

The Rain

I washed myself in the rain. Though its cool tips tingled my bare skin, its pulse invigorated my heart. I wish to be one with the rain. I wish for its moisture to run in my veins. As I stand, arms open to embrace heaven's tears, I cannot help but feel enlightened. The sporadic patter of drops on my skin is like tiny shots of light, piercing the surface and reaching down to my core. I will stand in the rain a while more, though it may lead to my demise. I will embrace the cold rain with a warm heart, sacrificing myself as the host. It may grow in me. I will consume all of its power, every drop of crispness, until my warm, beating heart is lost in the ice.

Yes, I will be one with the rain, even if it kills me. Especially if it kills.

Sometimes, You Don't Need Words.